09/02/11 20:24:18
>>189
That's actually quite good, and there aren't many big errors.
"fell in love with a French girl" --> countries and nationalities need
to use capital letters.
"When I went to Paris, I..." --> If you use 'Though I went', it sounds
like this situation doesn't happen in cafes, when actually I think it's
normal.
'Though' in a sentence should be used to show an exception.
ex: "Though I don't like Sailor Moon, I enjoy watching animation."
"I was talked by the girl" --> We should make this an active sentence,
not a passive sentence. It sounds better.
"a girl talked to me."
"She /was/ pretty" --> since this is a past story, we should use the
past tense. Although I'm sure she's still pretty now. ^^
"Lately, she has wanted" ---> "Recently, she has asked me to go to Paris"
'Recently' is better, because 'Lately' sounds like she has asked you many
times. I assume she's only asked once? Maybe I'm wrong.
'asked' is better than 'wanted', because we're reporting her actions.
"so I would like to visit there" --> Paris is a place, so 'there' is
better than 'it'.